Zjabi

One of the nice things here is public transport-it is 100% entertainment. In my last story, I have explained you about the little bus (Bemo). Well, in the meantime, I have had the pleasure to have some rides on some different ones and I just cannot resist writing another story about it. First of all the price is very special, for not even one dollar you may hobble for 3 long hours in the big bus from Surabaya to Madiun. I have absolutely not got any time to get bored during the journey and the show starts when we get on the bus at the bus station. There are more people selling things than there are passengers and it seems that everybody in this country is selling something. The pathway of our bus is on the route of 99 % of the sellers and the speed of passing lays around 15 persons per minute. Everybody tries to sell his stuff with great ambition; in this country social security does not exist, so selling is simply surviving. An endless parade of products pass us, all kinds of drinks, peanuts, mangos, Indonesian crackers, fried tofu, sweets, tissues, cookies, razor blades and even whole banana trees. Some sellers get in at the front, throw a bag of peanuts on the lap of half the passengers, get out at the back, get in at the front again and pick up the bags of peanuts. During this minute with these peanuts in your lap, you might think, "Actually quite nice, some peanuts!" and they have got you where they want, another bag sold........ Now that's what I call marketing. We leave the bus station when the bus is more than full and the only person who still has some space left around him is the bus driver. I actually expected someone on his lap as nothing surprises me anymore! On the first part, a musician travels with us. A boy with his guitar treats us to some of the hottest Indonesian hits. This live music actually sounds a lot nicer that the singer we met at the bus station of Surabaya last week. A man with a sexier appearance than Julio Iglesias and all his singing sons together, comes and stands next to our little bus with his sound machine and starts singing. Just by the looks on his face, he really likes his own voice but unfortunately.......... we don't. We just think that the volume of his sound machine is way too high and can explode any minute now. Travelling with this man selling earplugs would definitely earn good money. His charming wife passes with the little plastic box and some more passengers and we give some change..... My ears still hurt 2 hours later. Now, let's get back to the bus to Madiun. We have been on the secondary and tourist road for over an hour now and we take over complete truck convoys while blowing our horn. I feel a bit like Sandra Bullock in the movie Speed but I awake from that dream because my left foot has been stuck since the beginning of the trip and my right calve is getting cramp. I suddenly get jealous of the passengers that have the privilege to stand in the pathway, but I also know that it 3 hours standing is not the most pleasant thing so I take my complaints for granted. Every time the bus slows down only a little bit, new sellers jump in through the backdoor and the bus is so full that it takes them at least 10 minutes to get to the front and hop off. This circus continues the whole trip until we finally reach our destination.
We have also been to Jakarta by train and because this trip takes around 8 hours, we reserved seats in the executive class. Well, well, very luxurious, we can enjoy reclining seats with (for the first time) enough room for my legs, an evening meal, a television (at 30 meter distance, so we cannot see a thing but anyway) and air-conditioning. Boy, was I happy, this trip was going to be easy. I partied too early because the airco was so damn cold that spontaneous thoughts of the North Pole came to my mind. Then they came to check our tickets and the checking man in charge has more stripes on his uniform that any first pilot of KLM Airlines. Boy, you can see that grin on his face; he is really enjoying wearing that uniform. I want to ask him when we are taking off but my Indonesian is still not good enough for that. Thinking about it afterwards, I was actually happy that we had reserved this train because at the train station in Jakarta, waiting for the train back to Surabaya, a couple of normal trains passed my eyes. They are even more full than already very very full............. so in that case, I'd rather have that damn cold airco!

I have been watching a fair amount of movies lately, most on VCD (cheap DVD) and they are all very funny, even the serious ones. Not always because of the movie itself but because of the things that happen to them here in Indonesia. A pirated VCD has normally been recorded secretly in the cinema so you get all the coughing, the sounds of people eating popcorn or crisps and people walking in front of the camera because they want to go to the toilets, for free. An original legal VCD does not have all this animation but does give similar pleasure in the subtitles as the pirated versions. I believe that English movies in Indonesia are translated by a first year student of English or maybe even someone who is has just applied to study English. The rules are the following: Translate as much as you can, translate all names phonetically, and whatever you do not understand, you either guess or don't translate it at all. The result of these practices: actors have a different name in every scene which results in schizophrenic actors in almost all movies. Sentences that are not clear to the translator are just not translated and sometimes you see a 5-minute conversation translated into three Indonesian sentences. Other unknown words are just guessed at. so it is possible that they write Bobo instead of Volvo or Black Nible instead of Black Label.There is also censorship, depending on the film. It is possible that they start cutting when two pairs of lips might possibly have the intention to end up in a kiss. It depends on the television channel, if movies are or are not cut, some cut a little, and some cut a lot. Even though movies on VCD are normally not censured, it is always a surprise what they will and will not show you. If in the cinema during a movie, you see a kissing couple with all the buttons still closed . . . you hear the people around you shifting left and right on their chair, coughing and even giggling. Last week, I bought a VCD of an English concert with various artists performing, called Wicked Woman. On this VCD, Robbie Williams sings ‘‘Let me entertain you’’ and I enclose part of the subtitles as given on the VCD and the correct lyrics of the song. No more comment necessary . . .

Robbie Williams - Let me entertain you

Indonesian interpretation
Original lyrics

For hells is gonna happen here
Hell is gone and heaven's here

But nothing worth for you to fear
There's nothing left for you to fear

Shake your ass common’’ here
Shake your ass come over here

and I scream
Now scream

Well I’’m burning up all the chill
I'm a burning effigy

I’’m everything than I used to be
Of everything I used to be

You’’re my rockin’’bon a petit, my dear
You're my rock of empathy, my dear

Let me entertain you
So come on let me entertain you

etc etc

14.11
Well! This afternoon I am alone at the office in our home. I am going to work very hard, and get a lot of things done ... nobody to disturb me, all to myself!
14.13
Before I start, I’’d better phone and order 2 gallons of drinking water as there is none left.
14.16
I am distracted by a kleng kleng kleng sound on the street. It is the bakso and es campur seller, pushing his food cart. To make sure that people don't have to go outside their homes to know what is being sold, every seller has a different sound or music to identify them. Let me see, am I in the mood for bakso, little balls made of meat and flour with noodles and soup? ... No! Am I in the mood for es campur, a drink made of jelly, fruit, fruit syrup, condensed milk and crushed ice ? Maybe later!
14.18
Turn on the computer, start up ....
14.23
The laundry boys bring my washed and ironed clothes into my room. Thank you very much.
14.31
The boy from the ‘‘water shop’’ delivers the water. Need to pay first .... no, I do not have any change, don’’t you? No? Oh, you will bring it later? Okay.
14.42
The neighbour is bored and wonders if I might be bored too. Let’’s have a drink.
14.47
Jeruk manis! Jeruk manis! The orange seller passes by on his bike. We still have oranges in the fridge, so do not need any at the moment.
14.54
Another tune from the street ... the ice cream man with his cool box full of ice cream treats.
15.04
The neighbour is going back to her own house again, just clean the glasses and get back behind my desk again.
15.09
Okay, the computer is ready. I click to open Excel.
15.11
La la laa, la da da di di da burger, burger! This one sells, you might have already guessed it, burgers and hotdogs.
15.15
Pipa leiding, pipa leiding! It's the tukang kran (plumber). He has an old sports bag filled with all kinds of tools on the back of his motorbike. Should you have a problem with your taps or pipes, then he will come and have a look. He will look at the tap from all possible angles saying hmmmmm and aaahh a lot, he will then open the tap, close it and look at it again from all different directions. Then he will state his price and we open our attack: Of course it is far too expensive, last time the price was only this much, for that money I can buy a whole new tap, for that money I better repair it myself. Now we mention our price and the seller defends himself stating: But it is a lot of work, the tap is really leaking a lot, I have to make a living too, you know, etc. Finally, after a lot of arguments from both sides, a deal is made on the price and the man can start his work ... but fortunately today all the taps are working as they should so I don't need to call the plumber as he passes our house.
15.18
Excel is open now, now where is that file that I had to work on today? Let's see!
15.20
Plok plok sounds the pangsit mie ayam seller, offering a plate of noodles with chicken and vegetables.
15.22
C-drive, then to the map ‘‘My documents’’... hmmmm
15.24
I hear some noise, and someone shouts ‘‘permisi’’ followed by a live and especially-for-me music concert. An Indonesian hit is sung with the help of a fake guitar, a tambourine made of metal bottle lids and a drum made of an empty plastic drinking water gallon bottle. They are after some change ... let me see, where in heavens name …… all day I have seen coins around the house, but now that I need them .... there, found them. I go outside and the coins only have to touch their hands in order for them to stop playing the guitar, tambourine and drum. They have reached their goal so why bother and finish the sentence in the song, let alone the word. While holding their breath, they go to the neighbours’’ house and continue their song exactly where they stopped it for me.
15.30
Okay, back to looking in the ‘‘My documents’’ folder and then ……
15.32
The boy from the drinking water brings back my change.
15.35
So I was looking in ‘‘My documents’’ and then ……
15.37
Tuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut tuuuuuuuuuuuuut, the bread seller, selling bread of all flavours. The bread has a sweet and sticky taste here because apart from flour, water, yeast and salt, they also add sugar and butter. So when you eat a piece of plain bread, you get this peanut butter feeling in your mouth. The different flavours are chocolate, cheese, chocolate and cheese, chicken and banana. Apart from the bread, they also offer a lot of different cakes. However, I bought ‘‘real’’ bread yesterday in the city centre so I am not interested.
15.40
Plok plok plok! Fried rice or fried noodles. I assume you understand!
15.42
So I was looking in ‘‘My documents’’ and then to the ‘‘Nerindo’’ folder
15.45
Sapu, sapu! A bicycle with a mountain-like two-meter-stack of plastic buckets, bowls, brooms and plastic items …… everything you can imagine for the household. He has all the models in at least 5 different sizes. Should you be looking for something special and think …… naa, he cannot possibly have that too …… all you have to do is ask and he will abracadabra pull it out of his collection like a professional magician.
15.48
I click ‘‘Nerindo’’ and ……
15.50
Sol sepatu, sol sepatu! The shoe repairman normally has the front wheel of his bicycle up in the air …… as he carries all his shoe repair tools at the back, including his anvil. That is just what I was waiting for, my leather pen case is broken and my shoes need repairing. I get up, go outside and clap my hands so that he knows that I would like to use his services. He turns and parks in front of our house. Just a moment, get my things …… how much will it cost all together? 10,000 Rupiah? Ok. Just get this man a cold drink, it is always so warm on the street. He starts on my shoes.
16.01
Fuut fuut! Putu, a steamed sweet made delicious with the grated coconut on the top with melted Javanese sugar in the centre.
16.04
While my shoes and pen case are being repaired, I can continue my work on the computer. I am now in the ‘‘Nerindo’’ folder and open the file that I need. It is called ‘‘urgent work’’.
16.07
Sate, sate! Probably not so difficult to guess, the sate seller. Most of the time, you can choose between chicken and goat meat and it is prepared on a small barbeque fixed to the stall or bicycle. When done, it is served in a pool of peanut sauce with a fresh cut red shallots, sambal and lontong, sticky rice in banana leaves.
16.11
Sol sepatu! My shoes and my pen case are repaired. Thank you!
16.14
What a noise, an amplifier on full volume shouting out Indohits. It is the jamu seller selling herbal drinks that, in some way, do you good. They give you energy, help you to lose or gain weight, make you look younger, improve your sex life, heal migranes, stomach ache, backache and other problems you might have. You do get earache in return though from all the noise.
16.17
Kling kling klong klong, kling kling klong klong! An older man with a kind of doll-like instrument, singing a song and playing music. He always finishes his song but he always looks at the amount of change you give him and depending on the amount, he decides how to greet you. This can vary from just a ‘‘hmmmmmm’’ to a friendly ‘‘thank you very much’’
16.21
The file ‘‘urgent work’’ is opened, now just look for the papers that I had to add to the file ……
16.24
Siomay, siomay! The seller has a frozen collection of sausages, siomay, chicken nuggets and other snacks in his cool box on the back of his bike.
16.26
Trom trom roffel roffel trom trom roffel roffel! Should there be any children playing in the street, then you can invite them to a real circus act with a little monkey that can ride a bicycle, roll around, play cowboy, jump through a hoop in the air and perform other spectacular arts. The little monkey is very motivated to do his act as his boss pulls the chain around his neck every 3 seconds.
16.32
I was working on these papers, let me see, these ones are already done and these ones not yet …… so I will start working on them now then, tick tick tick tick ……
16.39
Soto! Nice chicken broth with rice, egg, fried onions and spices. I really like it but I am not hungry now!
16.44
The telephone rings and I explain that our company Nerindo is a one-man-company and when I am in Indonesia, a two-man company …… we are very small.
The conversation goes as follows:
Is this Nerindo Mentari? Yes! Can I speak to your export department ? I am sorry but the person in charge is not in at the moment! Allright, then I will try again later, whom do I ask for ? Let me think who again is responsible for our export …… I think you can speak to Ari Kiswarianti, she is our export expert so to speak. Then I will try again later, thank you very much, goodbye.
16.49
Tick tick tick tick. Work is going great …… or is it really?
16.57
Pot kembang, pot kembang! A tropical garden on top of a push cart, pulled by the seller. This must be hard work, especially with the sun on his head. The seller halts and shouts out asking if Ari is home, as she really likes plants and they have something special for her. Sorry, she is not in today, maybe next time. Would you like a drink? Yes? Just a moment. Nice and fresh, right? See you next time!
17.04
Ronde ronde! A warm drink made of ginger and something else. As I do not really like ginger, I have not yet studied all the ingredients yet.
17.08
Chick yen, chick yen, bakpao yang asli (a song with music)! The famous bapao with different delicious fillings.
17.15
Tick tick tick tick tick tick, one paper down, 49 to go.
17.23
Gordin, gordin! A complete collection of curtain sets for the whole house on the back of his bike and the curtain rails hang somewhere between the legs of the seller.
17.27
Tok tok tok! Bakwan, the bakso but without noodles and cabbage.
17.32
The neighbour comes home from work and to unload from all the stress at his office, he treats his family to some horny karaoke songs. I vibrate on my chair, the glasses in the kitchen move and the street cats gather in front of the house
17.40
I cannot work with this noise, I am going swimming for an hour at the pool nearby.
19.00
I meet a friend at the swimming pool, what a coincidence …… he is a swimming instructor. We go to his house for a chat.
21.14
The swimming instructor brings me home on his motorbike.
21.17
Shower first
21.31
A plate with rice, vegetable and egg on my lap, prepared this morning by our maid, Mbak Rom.
22.12
Indonesia is sleeping so I can finally get some work done.
The next day
I would like to note that some sellers passed unnoticed because I was busy doing something else. There were at least 60 more of the above mentioned sellers and also those selling the following dishes: Pempek, Tahutek, Rujak manis, Siomay rebus, Tahu campur, Onde onde. Unfortunately, I do not have time today to explain to you what they consist of. This afternoon I am alone at home/at the office so I am going to work very hard, get a lot of things done …… because there is nobody to disturb me, all to myself!

I enter the busy hairdresser and walk straight past all the customers to the room behind the salon. The treatment benches are standing in a row and the discrete curtains in between each bench are open so that everyone can see everything. In this room only women are allowed to enter. Two victims are lying on their stomachs with their underpants pulled just under their bottoms. We are here to have mandi susu, which literally means milk bath. My friend, Kis, more or less explained to me what was going to happen - a complete body scrub, followed by a steam bath and then a milk bath. Her description has made me curious. I get undressed amongst all the other women and, clad only in my underpants, lie down on the bench on my stomach. Some giggling girls enter the room and appear to be the masseuses. The scrub session starts at my toes, feet and legs and I have to shout 'AU!' at times so that my masseuse doesn't hurt me too much; I guess I'm a softy compared to the Javanese people. By the time she has passed my bottom and starts on my back, I really start to relax, my eyelids are getting heavier and heavier and slowly I drift away. Somewhere far away, I hear the masseuses exchange their gossip and when I hear the music turn on, I am prepared to hear some relaxing tunes. I am definitely wrong though, as Indonesian super hits fill the room and some of the girls sing along. That first hour of massage has been for nothing now as, because of the shock of the loud music, every muscle in my body is as hard as a piece of wood. Relax, I tell myself. Calm down, think of something relaxing. The masseuse passes her hands with scrub creme all over my back, arms and neck and I almost fall asleep once again. It is now time for the front of my body and here also, she starts at my toes and feet and ends at my neck with only my private parts, covered by my underpants, left untouched. Next on the agenda, I go into one of those stupid steam boxes, where you sit inside and only your head sticks out through a hole. Of course I am too tall, as I am too tall for everything in Indonesia, and the lid cannot close, so I am covered with a sheet. I sit inside like a steaming giraffe knowing that this is not a very high tech machine. It has a water kettle with boiling water on a gas stove, but instead of the whistle, there is a tube that forces the steam to enter the steam box. After about 10 minutes I feel like a snail, ready to be eaten, and they let me out. The liquid is wiped off my body and then my body is painted with a white clay mask until it covers my body. So again I find myself standing, drying in my underwear, in amongst all the women. Once the mask has dried, I enter a bath filled with warm and white water. One of the ingredients is milk with other products added which are purported to whiten the skin; this bath is where the name Mandi Susu comes from. Whiter skin is a big trend in Indonesia and there is no escaping it. The treatment is almost finished, just take a shower, get dressed and pay the Rp 32,500 (around US$ 5) fee for the treatment. The end result is skin as soft as a baby and a very relaxing feeling ... but then again, I will go home by bemo and if you know how relaxed traveling by bemo is, then you will know how calm I was when I arrived at home.

In my travel guide, the streets of Indonesia are described as 'ORGANISED CHAOS' and I must say that I quite agree with this expression. Every visit to the centre of Surabaya is an adventure. First, we have to go with the 'becak' (public transport bicycle) to the exit of the area where we live. Around the corner, a becak is waiting for customers most of the time, so far no panic. Then the danger starts! We have to cross the very, very wide street and playing Russian roulette is a game without risk compared to this action. All the traffic is mixed up, there are cars, motors, buses, trucks, mopeds and on the side of the road are bicycles and men with food trolleys. The game on the road is to 'honk and speed up' and everybody joins in. My thought during crossing was, "When the driver sees me, he will slow down" but that shows, I still have a lot to learn. With three lives less and a pale face, we reach the other side of the road where we have to wait for a while for our 'bemo' (small bus packed with people) to the centre of the city. Every minute, a little bus passes with a man shouting the route of his bus to his potential clients. The potential clients are all the people on the street, and I can tell you that there are an awful lot of them. Our destination is TP (Shopping centre Tunjungan Plaza) passing Darmo and when we hear a man shouting "T.P., Darmo, T.P., T.P., Darmo, Darmo, T.P., T.P., T.P., Darmo, Darmo, T.P.", I tell Ari, my small Indonesian bodyguard, that this is probably our bus. The bus is still half empty and everybody can still breathe normally. I do manage to almost sit on a little box of food from the lady next to me, "Sorry madam". Halfway along the route, the bemo is packed, but there is still half a centimetre of free space, so another passenger enters. The trick to sitting down in this very small space is smile at the people around you while moving your bottom from left to right until you get completely stuck. We are not very lucky today, because even though the bus is still driving, I am sure that it has not had any check-up for ages. When we stop for the 268th time, the motor stops. Some men push the bemo and the driver manages to start the engine. As long as he accelerates in first gear up to 80 kilometres per hour, everything is all right. The thing is, every time we stop, the motor stops. We stop every three minutes so need I continue my story? Everybody stays calm and keeps smiling. After 15 minutes, the engine stops again in the middle of the road and dangerously avoiding the rest of the traffic, we manage to reach the side of the road. Some useful tools are collected; it looks like an axe and a screwdriver. With a lighter in his left-hand, the driver makes an attempt to repair the car with his right hand. As this will probably take a while, we are offered to get on another bemo with the same destination. After five minutes, we arrive and all I want to do at this moment is celebrate that we have arrived safely. Knowing that we also have to return home is a thought for later ...!